4 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Ectopic Pregnacy Loss

4 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself

After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Ectopic Pregnacy Loss



Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
1 Corinthians 12:27 (NIV)

Pregnancy loss is hard. 
It’s life altering, grief stricken, and you wonder if you’ll ever be your old self again.  It can affect our relationships with our husbands, children, and friends.  Even though it can be challenging, we must trod through our grief and slowly begin working on reconnecting with ourselves.

Right now, you might be at a place where your entire mind is fixated on your loss. Getting out of bed is difficult. You are mourning the loss of a precious child. You are also mourning the loss of your intended role as a mother. Taking time to grieve is valid and needed, but eventually you must start thinking about ways to reconnect with you.

Moving forward and mending our souls does not mean we are saying we never loved the child in our womb.
Take steps to march through the grief, not over it and not sitting in it forever, means we honor the life we have been gifted, honor the life of our heavenly child, and honor the lives  of those around us. We must cherish ourselves and refresh our spirits by seeking out ways to recognize who we are as God’s creation—beloved, set apart for Him, and made for a great number of purposes.

Here are four suggestions for reconnecting with yourself: 

  • Change your internal dialogue
    Many of us feel like a complete failure after our loss. Some of us had planned since we were children that our greatest goal in life was to be a mother—as many times as we wished. When this goal fails, we wander in a state of unease. I knew I’d never have my baby back, but I desperately wanted to have the “old me” back. I wanted to smile, laugh, and feel comfortable in my own skin.  I finally realized that the first step toward reconnecting with myself was to brush aside the negative self-talk that was consuming my soul. The Bible states: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23 NLT). Since life can be shaped by our thoughts, we need to carefully choose what we are telling ourselves.
  • Work through your grief.
    Sharron, who experienced an ectopic pregnancy, a late-term loss, and a stillbirth, found that she literally had to sweat out her grief.  “As crazy as this seems, my family has a motto for grief and loss: ‘Work through it.’ My daddy taught me this by example. When I am physically exhausted, the heartache doesn’t seem as great. Six weeks after the loss of our stillborn son, I bought a house to renovate as a rental. I ripped up floors, tore down walls, hung and finished new Sheetrock, and laid hardwood floors. It was exhausting, but working through it actually helps. I’m not sure I would recommend it to every- one, but it was good for me.” Sharron explained that finding something to divert her mind aided in her personal recovery.
  • Try new experiences.
    Some women find renewal by engaging in new experiences. A common theme among women is literally that a change of view helped their spirit. If finances allow, consider getting away for a few days. Tara—who experienced three losses in addition to other family tragedies—cites that going away on a cruise with her mother was healing. My best friend swept me away for a weekend girls’ trip a month after my second loss. The anticipation of a trip, forcing myself to get dressed up, and just laughing helped me reconnect with myself.
  • Set goals.
    We also need to set realistic goals. Make a list of tasks you can accomplish each day. It might begin with just a few things such as: get out of bed, make coffee, shower, put on makeup, call a friend, read for twenty minutes, etc. Put a few items on the list that help your soul breathe. If cooking is your jam, go grocery shopping and stir up a favorite recipe. If you are a runner, put on your shoes, blast that playlist, and go for a jog. Just do something that refreshes your spirit and makes you feel like yourself. Making a list and following through can give you a small semblance of normalcy.

  Darling, we can’t delete the pain, but we can take healthy precautions to distance ourselves from the searing voices and memories our minds want to constantly relive. 

What are some things you can do to reconnect with yourself?

 

Sarah Philpott, PhD, lives on a cattle farm in Tennessee. She is the mother of three young children and wife to one hard workin’ farmer (who has been her sweetheart since high school). She is the author of the award-winning book Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss.  

 

Visit Sarah Philpott at her website allamericanmom.net and check out her Loved Baby book trailer:  https://youtu.be/LrJ-UV-O1Og

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How One Church Decided to #HonorAllMoms

Last year I started the #HonorAllMoms movement with the intent of showing love to bereaved mother’s and women who experience infertility.

Honor All Moms Facebook

The outpouring of love was huge.  So many individuals and places of worship placed candles and flower arrangements in honor of mothers who mourn the loss of a baby or child.

One sweet lady even incorporated a special message to women who’ve experienced loss into her church Mother’s Day tribute video.  The video included children of the church telling their Mama’s “Happy Mother’s Day!”  But she didn’t forget the mothers who have little loves in heaven.  Watch below for the sweet expression of love!

 

Want to create your own tribute video?

1).  Individually video children of your church saying why they love their Mama.  Be prepared for super cute responses!

2).  Video one or two children expressing love to the Mama’s who have children in Heaven.  Let them tell these special women “Happy Mother’s Day!”

3).  Do your technology magic & create a video that you unveil on Mother’s Day.

4).  If you post it on social media will you tag it with #HonorAllMoms?  I’d love to see & share!

 

#HonorAllMoms Partners Facebook Logo

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How To Support a Loved One During Pregnancy Loss

Tonya brought boxes and boxes of Chinese food, Leighann brought a dozen hot, still-gooey, straight out of the oven cookies, Amber brought the most delectable chocolate cupcakes I have ever eaten (& offered me her uterus), Chrissi brought a beautiful flower for me to plant and Mary sent me the most heartfelt letter via email because she was hundreds of miles away.

I didn’t want them in my house. I thought I wanted to be alone. But like good girlfriends do, in they pushed. There I sat with my eyes swollen and my stomach contracting with pain. Their eyes were soaked with tears, too. They hugged me & loved on me & then departed. Words were sparse but love was abounding. I needed them.

cup-and-water

 

My husband cried. He listened. He pulled me close to his chest and wrapped his arms around my body. He fielded phone calls and told people I didn’t want to talk. He protected me. He told the sweet people at my church not to mention anything to me in a public setting. She’s just not ready to talk. Private yes, public no. Please pray. He told me how much they cared. He took me to the doctor. He made sure I ate. He let me mourn. He mourned. I needed him.

My brother called. Every day. He left messages. He sent texts. I’m just calling to check on you, Sis. I needed him.

My mom, dad, father-in law, mother-in law, and step-father in law each offered to babysit my son. They took care of him while I layed beside the Kleenex box in my bed. I needed them.

The strangers on the internet understood.  The ones in the support groups and chat rooms  were brutally honest.  The bloggers who wrote about their losses gave hope. I needed them.

My Professor at University nodded her head and said I’m sorry with her gentle glance when I entered class for the first time after my loss. I needed her.

My girlfriend’s husbands hugged me. They squeezed a bit harder when I placed my head on their warm shoulders. They didn’t utter a word, but I knew they cared. They told my husband they loved him. They asked my husband if he needed to talk.  We needed them.

My doctor and the nurses at the office hugged me. Their cheeks were landing grounds for tears. One nurse sent me a text the next day telling me she was thinking about me. I needed them.

My best friend forced me to go on a weekend getaway. Just the two of us. It wasn’t fancy. Just a hotel with a pool. We were the oldest people slipping down the waterside. She even brought a book to read. She hates to read. We laughed we giggled. She asked how I was doing. I needed her.

I need you to know that you can’t take away the pain. Tears will still pour from our eyes & our hearts will still ache. But I need you to know that we need your love.

Simply showing up means more than you’ll ever know.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; Mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).

Ideas for Offering Support to Someone Who Has Experienced Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

  • Hug
  • Pray
  • Say I’m sorry
  • Send a letter, email, or text expressing your sincere condolences
  • Flowers
  • Don’t bring it up in a public place. You can nod, whisper I’m so sorry, or gently squeeze our hands, but please don’t ask us about our loss right before the company business meeting. Talk to us in a private place.
  • Respect us if we don’t want to talk
  • Listen if we do want to talk
  • Let us grieve
  •  Drop off food
  • Offer to babysit our other children. Ask us twice so we know you are serious, but don’t force us if we say no.
  • Gift a book: Miscarriage Resources & Links
  • Educate yourself: Miscarriage Resources & Links
  • Ask us if we need anything from the store. There are physical side effects to pregnancy loss
  • Gift this book: Love You Forever. The story was written to commemorate the author’s unborn child.
  • Give an angel ornament or some other token of appreciation.
  • Ask our partner if he needs to talk. Listen.
  • Invite us to dinner or coffee the weeks after our loss. Invite us to talk. Listen.
  • Subscribe to Stepping Stone’s eNewsletter.  Send an email to step@bethany.org
  • Visit Miscarriage Resources & Links
  • Choose your words carefully. Read What Not To Say To Someone Who Had a Miscarriage
  • Invite your loved one to join Loved Baby Facebook Group
  • Understand that you can’t fix it but you can love on us.

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What Christian Women need to know about Ectopic Pregnancy Loss

Although I’ve never experienced an ectopic pregnancy I’ve had two losses due to miscarriage.  I advocate for women in the loss community. Over the years I’ve learned of the particular tender turmoil that surrounds ectopic pregnancy loss.  I want you to know five truths.

 

1).  You Are Supported

Darling, you are not alone.  1 in 50 pregnancies in the United States is ectopic.  Don’t be afraid to search for support and community.

Educate yourself.  These reputable organizations provide information for you and your family.

Seek Community. Reading the stories of other women can help our souls.  It makes us feel less alone.  These blogs feature women bravely sharing their stories.

Join a Support Group.  Try Loved Baby Christian Pregnancy Loss Support & Encouragement .

 

2).  You Will Have Extra Fears.  And this is Normal.

The pain of an ectopic pregnancy has been described as excruciating–making it difficult to even walk.  This is especially true if your fallopian tube ruptures and you have life-threatening internal bleeding.

Your fears included that you would die from internal- bleeding. Now you have increased fears as to whether or not you will be able to have additional children and if “this” will happen again.

Please know that the The March of Dimes says, “About 1 in 3 women (33 percent) who have had one ectopic pregnancy go on to have a healthy pregnancy later.”  Talk to your physician about your future fertility.

Also know that “it” can happen again, but there is hope that your next pregnancy will not be an ectopic. The March of Dimes reports “If you’ve had an ectopic pregnancy, you have about a 3 in 20 chance (15 percent) of having another.

Look at those statistics.  You are MORE likely to have a healthy pregnancy (33%) than having another ectopic pregnancy (15%).  There is hope sweet lady.

You and your husband might have to decide whether or not you do want to try to conceive again.  Many women report that their husbands are hesitant.  Some partners even refuse.  Please try to understand their perspective and give them time.  They experienced the loss of their baby and they also faced the potential loss of YOU.  Be willing to talk to your partner and acknowledge their fears as well as yours.  Listen and don’t push away your husband if he isn’t quite ready to try again.  Refuse to allow this to become a wedge in your marriage.

Dear heart, don’t feel abnormal if you or your partner have these extra concerns.  It’s only natural, isn’t it?  Seek out a friend who can offer support by listening to your fears, write and journal your thoughts, or join a support group so you can connect with women who’ve had similar experiences.

 

3).  You Did Not Have an Elective Abortion

This section I write with delicacy and after much prayer.  This is because my heart cries for you.  After any type of loss we ALL feel guilty.  Thoughts of shame run through our minds. But it’s a message of untruth.  We are not at fault.  You though have an extra layer of questions.  In many of your cases you discovered that your baby was in your tube BEFORE your tube ruptured. You had to take one of two paths:  surgery or medicine.

As we all know…your baby could not have survived in an environment outside your womb.  Allowing the baby to continue to grow was LIFE-THREATENING for you.

Some women (and the public) have confused or wrestled with the questions as to whether this treatment of ectopic pregnancy is elective abortion.  Darling, you did NOT ELECT for your child to grow in an environment where it could not survive and you did NOT ELECT for your baby to grow in an environment where rupture will occur and could lead to your own death. Therefore you DID NOT ELECT or EVER WISH to terminate your babe.  Do not allow the words of ignorant individuals shame you.  I pace with madness at commentaries on the internet and words my friends have heard.  The words of the reckless truly pierce like swords.  Put your trust in the words of wise and thoughtful individuals.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has a special Pro-Life interest group within the organization.  Here is their position statement regarding treatment of ectopic pregnancy:

“In either case, the intent for the pro-life physician is not to kill the unborn child, but to preserve the life of the mother in a situation where the life of the child cannot be saved by current medical technology.

For these reasons the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians recognizes the unavoidable loss of human life that occurs in an ectopic pregnancy, but does not consider treatment of ectopic pregnancy by standard surgical or medical procedures to be the moral equivalent of elective abortion, or to be the wrongful taking of human life.“

Please dear mamas.  Find peace in those words. Meditate on them and don’t rely on  opinions from individuals who are ignorant of the situation.  I read an analogy  I thought fitting:

“Imagine a battlefield.  A medic has two gravely wounded soldiers before him.  He can choose to do nothing and lose two lives, or he can choose to save one. The medic’s choice, like the doctor’s procedure, does not undermine the humanity and value of the life lost. It is tragic, and the result of living in a broken world. The greater moral good in this situation is to save one human life — the mother’s — rather than lose two.”

Do expect that people will utter insensitive comments.  Don’t be alarmed.  This happens to all of us.  Try to guard your heart by sharing your soul story with people who are supportive.

I also want to give you a piece of advice.  Don’t be alarmed if you spy the word “abortion” on the paperwork from your physician or insurance company.  All of our losses are medically defined as “abortion”.  For example, a miscarriage is called a “spontaneous abortion.”  We’ve given that word special power in popular dialogue.  Please don’t allow the word itself to give you concern.

 

4).  You Should Receive Extra Care

If you conceive again, you should expect (and demand if it is not offered) extra care.  Because you are at an increased risk of having another ectopic pregnancy your physician will begin monitoring your HCG as soon as you see a positive on a home pregnancy test.  Then, around 6 weeks, you should have an ultrasound to detect whether or not the gestational sac is in your womb or in you tubes (or elsewhere).

Sweet lady, we are advocates of our own health.  If, at any point, you feel as if your caretaker is not treating you with respect or using proper protocol, please know it is your right to seek out another physician. And always…don’t ignore your symptoms.

 

5).  You Might Struggle With Faith

I use the word “might” here rather loosely.  You probably will struggle with faith.  Don’t we all after loss?

As an ectopic mother you are mourning the loss of a baby. Many of you are also mourning the loss of a body part that helps our bodies conceive.  And finally you were faced with your own mortality.  It’s a deep, dark well of place.

Darling, I can’t answer why God allowed this to happen or why other terrible things occur in life.  All I know is that we are not promised a life free from pain or suffering.  Heaven, where your precious babe now thrives, is the only place where the absence of sadness exists.

As you struggle with faith I encourage you to read Asking God Why After a Miscarriage ..perhaps it can help you on your own walk.  I promise you though…if you cry out to Him, meditate on His word, and invite the Holy Spirit to light your path…you will find peace that passes all understanding.

 

As words of parting, I want you to know you are loved. You are supported.  Come join us at Loved Baby Support & Encouragement Group if you want a community of women with whom to share your heart.  I do pray these truths help your heart.

 

Above all…be gentle to yourself.

 

DEFINITION: An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg grows in the wrong place. Without treatment, an ectopic pregnancy can lead to serious bleeding and even death in the pregnant woman. (The March of Dimes)

Sarah Lewis Philpott, Ph.D lives in TN on a sprawling cattle farm where she raises her two mischievous children and is farm wife to her high school sweetheart. Sarah is represented by The Blythe Daniel Literary Agency . You can visit with Sarah at her All-American Mom blog where she writes about life on the farm and cherishing life in joy & in sorrow. She invites mothers of loss to join the Loved Baby Christian Pregnancy Loss Support & Encouragement .

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